Glitch in the Romance

It’s two in the morning and I’m coming home after what I can only self describe as a comedy bomb… surprisingly sober.

After washing my face, immediately hanging my bra on the bathroom door to air it out (like jeans, you can’t wash them too often), Jake wakes up to tell me it’s ok to watch t.v. while he sleeps. I tell him I’m hungry and want to eat a sandwich, he says that’s ok too. As if the sound of my dipping my peanut butter sandwich in milk and eating a half bag of Lay’s potato chips won’t even phase him.

I tell him I don’t want to bother him, and he mumbles something about loving me.

It’s after 2 a.m. on a Sunday night, and while half asleep this human being still has the wherewithal to tell me he loves me?

How does a love like this exist? It’s not something portrayed in movies… the day to day. Hollywood pretends to, in cliche and cute ways… but the day in and out, the real sense of what love and a relationship is - can’t translate to screen.

Love isn’t romantic. It’s the opposite. It’s telling your partner their feet smell after a long day… and it’s leaving them a .99 cent card for no reason that reminds them how much you love them, because maybe you haven’t felt connected for awhile.

I sometimes miss the concept of single life, the implied freedom and independence… and then I realize, that’s exactly what I still have. Except I get to come home, snore like an alcoholic uncle covered in chip crumbs and wake up beside someone that loves me.

XOXO The Bride

#FUCKit's5am

I get it AirBnb, you need a legit photo of me to make sure it's me... but 5 a.m., after Thanksgiving. I'm not even drunk, this is just painful. I slept my makeup off in a hazy turkey induced coma of sweat. I'm literally oozing gravy and cheese. LITERALLY

Sure, I shouldn't have waited until now to book a room in Eugene... during the Duck/Beav game, but if I was organized would I be a fucking comedian? STOP HOUNDING ME.

Seriously though, Tinder/Bumble/OKC up your game. Require a photo at this hour and true love does exist. No if/and/or/buts ... that's not how slashes work in grammar. They also aren't slashes.

Should I have told the hosts we're comics? That was a bad idea huh?

... ugh, why am I awake, sober, and hungry right now?