Glitch in the Romance

It’s two in the morning and I’m coming home after what I can only self describe as a comedy bomb… surprisingly sober.

After washing my face, immediately hanging my bra on the bathroom door to air it out (like jeans, you can’t wash them too often), Jake wakes up to tell me it’s ok to watch t.v. while he sleeps. I tell him I’m hungry and want to eat a sandwich, he says that’s ok too. As if the sound of my dipping my peanut butter sandwich in milk and eating a half bag of Lay’s potato chips won’t even phase him.

I tell him I don’t want to bother him, and he mumbles something about loving me.

It’s after 2 a.m. on a Sunday night, and while half asleep this human being still has the wherewithal to tell me he loves me?

How does a love like this exist? It’s not something portrayed in movies… the day to day. Hollywood pretends to, in cliche and cute ways… but the day in and out, the real sense of what love and a relationship is - can’t translate to screen.

Love isn’t romantic. It’s the opposite. It’s telling your partner their feet smell after a long day… and it’s leaving them a .99 cent card for no reason that reminds them how much you love them, because maybe you haven’t felt connected for awhile.

I sometimes miss the concept of single life, the implied freedom and independence… and then I realize, that’s exactly what I still have. Except I get to come home, snore like an alcoholic uncle covered in chip crumbs and wake up beside someone that loves me.

XOXO The Bride

Plus None

I always thought it was tacky not allowing a plus one for your wedding guests... and then I fell in love, wanted my own wedding and realized money is the root of all evil.

When you tick that plus one box, I don't see the charming person that enjoys romcoms and banana sundaes - no, I see a booze soaked stranger about to go their millennial version of wedding crashers on the most expensive (and important) day of my life to date.

So when I ask you not to bring your summer fling, I'm not judging you for your poor taste in romantic partners - I'm just saying I don't want to pay for your mistakes. Consider this my gift to you, I'm preventing you the anguish and embarrassment of having to ask me to MS paint your date out of my wedding photos for all of eternity.

...and I should know, because I did this to every one of my friends that allowed a plus one.

XOXO The Bride

#WATIZLOVE

Magic Mike was not a comedy

"The Kid" might as well have thrown Mike out of the car ala Pretty Woman (the original ending). That might have been less painful to watch honestly. WHY DID YOU DO IT, KID?

Now I clearly haven't seen Magic Mike XXL, but why bother? I imagine it's what would have happened after they didn't live happily ever after, and Vivian became a high-end Hollywood escort.

There's a lot of unhappily ever after in life. I see it with my friends a lot, especially lately. I think it comes with getting closer to thirty. 

Love hurts. It aches, it hurts to breathe. You feel like the pain will never stop and no one can help you...

Heartbreak feels like alcohol poisoning

It's extremely easy to give advice when you're happy. Not because you haven't felt pain, or because you want to discredit or diminish the person experiencing it. Our human minds are meant to forget pain; like actually. It's a survival mechanism (thanks, psych 101). 

A few years ago I had necrotising fasciitis (aka: flesh-eating disease). To this day I know it was the single most painful thing that I have ever experienced. I literally felt my body eating itself alive. I told the doctor's to let me die and I meant it.

Since then I've broken my foot, my nose, gotten multiple tattoos and had my heart destroyed (emotionally). When someone asks me, "Did that [experience] hurt?" I respond with something blase, "I had flesh-eating, this can't compare,"

Which honestly is kinda at least partly true. It was the worst pain of my life. Then again, when I got my shoulder tattoo - that felt like the worst pain I've ever felt. Breaking my foot, that was excruciating.

The point is, pain is individual and situational. It isn't a game and it shouldn't be considered as a challenge. 

Pain is felt in many ways, inflicted by many forms. Just because someone has experienced a situation that you deem to be "less painful", doesn't mean what they are feeling isn't justifiable to them.

All pain is real

I struggle with empathy for relational pain. It's fairly easy for me to brush off rejections and getting stood up. I have an entire life of [theatre] rejections to console me. I wept harder when I wasn't cast for certain roles than I have for the majority of my past relationships to date.

For the year or two that I had the blog, How To Lose a Guy in One Date - I was stood up constantly. Or had my date make up an excuse to leave almost immediately. Or maybe they just told me straight to my face they didn't think I was pretty, or interesting. Getting stood up has often felt like a blessing since then. This person realized before even meeting me that we're not the right fit! No one wasted their time and now I have a night to myself.

...but this isn't how the majority of people feel, and when I speak to this - it can hurt those I care about. 

It isn't because I'm a sociopathic monster (right?), it's because pain is individualized and managed by the person feeling it. Like those pain scales at the doctor - which are stupid by the way for physical pain. I think they're the perfect representation for emotional tragedy.

What is painful to others, may not even feel bad to me. Then again, my day could be ruined because someone at the grocery store thinks I'm rude for not hearing them say "pardon me," as I stand in the [organic] vegetable isle talking to my Mom about how much I love Scandal. This has actually happened. 

Also - it's "excuse me" before, "pardon me" after.

THAT'S WHY I IGNORED YOU. Your grammar is atrocious.

(Confession: In my capslock rage I spelled grammar wrong. We all make mistakes...)

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

You know - just like Blink 182 said, and they're the voice of my generation. They're my "how white my shirts should be".

Society is going downhill based on this statement and comparison of lyrical prose alone... because no, I did not mean Britney Spears.

I don't really have a way to end this. I think because there isn't a [good] way. This isn't a "kiss it and make it better," situation.

This is real life.

... and sometimes, it fucking sucks.

 

 

 

#SingleBecause

Often misunderstood as a cry for pity or (pity) dates, it's actually the farthest thing from it. It embraces humor, independence, and general well-being as an individual. It's a lifestyle choice.

#Singlebecause pokes fun at the eccentricities of yourself that others might find odd or just downright disgusting (Trash pizza). It's about being honest with yourself, and others about who you are. I'm not saying that if you're a shitty person, you should continue to be. I'm saying that you are your own, slightly original person that deserves to be treated with respect.

One of the most repeated statements I hear from single people is, "I need someone to do [fill in the blank] with," Now in some cases, there are activities where another person is required. I immediately think of tug of war. I mean, unless you have a dog...

Focus.

#Singlebecause is about doing all those things people feel they need someone to do them with, by yourself. See a movie, or go out to dinner, or go bird watching. These are amazingly great activities with or without someone. The concept that you need another person to enjoy life, though... think of everything you're missing!

Example: Many of my friends don't love my favorite restaurant, but I'm not going to let that stop me from going. I'm going to get dressed up and go eat some food, because I'm an adult. [Confession: When I first started going out alone I was worried what people would think, so I got dressed up. I'd even make up a story of why I was alone, in case anyone asked (no one ever did). Now, I've worked my way up to watching romantic movies alone in the theater and blowing my nose into my sweatshirt!]

Ok - now what can you take from this? Well if you got this far, know that you're probably a pretty decent person, or at least have a good sense of humor (and are literate). You're a person that other people are going to like, and if they don't? They're missing out.

Suggested Reads:

Aziz Anzari's Modern Romance

Philip Zimbardo's Shyness and The Time Paradox