Glitch in the Romance

It’s two in the morning and I’m coming home after what I can only self describe as a comedy bomb… surprisingly sober.

After washing my face, immediately hanging my bra on the bathroom door to air it out (like jeans, you can’t wash them too often), Jake wakes up to tell me it’s ok to watch t.v. while he sleeps. I tell him I’m hungry and want to eat a sandwich, he says that’s ok too. As if the sound of my dipping my peanut butter sandwich in milk and eating a half bag of Lay’s potato chips won’t even phase him.

I tell him I don’t want to bother him, and he mumbles something about loving me.

It’s after 2 a.m. on a Sunday night, and while half asleep this human being still has the wherewithal to tell me he loves me?

How does a love like this exist? It’s not something portrayed in movies… the day to day. Hollywood pretends to, in cliche and cute ways… but the day in and out, the real sense of what love and a relationship is - can’t translate to screen.

Love isn’t romantic. It’s the opposite. It’s telling your partner their feet smell after a long day… and it’s leaving them a .99 cent card for no reason that reminds them how much you love them, because maybe you haven’t felt connected for awhile.

I sometimes miss the concept of single life, the implied freedom and independence… and then I realize, that’s exactly what I still have. Except I get to come home, snore like an alcoholic uncle covered in chip crumbs and wake up beside someone that loves me.

XOXO The Bride

10 Things I love about hating you

Do you ever find yourself making concessions for your friends that you might not for your partner?

Example: I went on a hike (which I hate doing) with some friend’s for one of their birthdays, but I’d never do that with Jake.

Does that mean I love him less? Hardly, it just means I value our time spent together on another level.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to share every single thing in common… if you do, that’s probably unhealthy.

Of course, you need a certain level of commonality to even form a meaningful relationship… but how much do you really need?

We both enjoy happy hour, watching t.v. at home in sweatpants, doing standup, and we can probably agree - potato chips are a food group. I can honestly say, I feel it’s a pretty solid relationship. Do I love watching sci fi or going to the theater with him to watch Disney movies? No. Does he like day drinking and debating criminal procedure and current world politics? Doubtful.

When you decide to share your life, or even part of your time on earth with someone, it isn’t about being the same person. It’s about loving and respecting your differences and watching that person light up when they talk about something they’re passionate about.

Jake could be talking about something I find entirely uninteresting and yet, when I see how excited he is… I get excited. Wait, what about a Tardis? You love the Seahawks because of … enter generic sports lingo (if you aren’t #TeamTebow, fuck off), or how you know exactly how to salt meat (#saltbae)

Sometimes we do things we wouldn’t do for our significant others… and that’s ok.

Every relationship is individualized and specific to the person.

XOXO The Bride

Don't you wish your girlfriend... wasn't trying to pressure you into marriage?

Marriage is either something you rush into and get annulled on a Monday after a drunken weekend (sorry Dad), or you’re in it to win it… if winning actually means losing your personal identity, giving up your dreams, and isolating yourself in the suburbs due to the ever rising cost of the housing market.

Then again, marriage doesn’t have to be about that. You don’t have to get married just because someone asks, and you don’t have to ask just because someone wants you to. You do know that right?

Despite being 2019, society and the wedding industry still pushes for young marriages. Whether that stems from the archaic notion that young people are more fertile, or more realistically that young people are stupid and willing to spend more (of their parent’s) money on this concept of love. I think it’s the latter, personally… but it’s bullshit.

BULLSHIT

If you aren’t royalty and bound by pomp and circumstance, you should be marrying for love… when you feel good and ready. This isn’t fast fashion, and yes - high waisted acid washed mom jeans did come back, but that hot guy from freshman year probably won’t age as well as denim. Just saying… and sorry, not sorry Devin.

Marriage is a giant step, emotionally, physically and monetarily. Think of it this way, if you can’t afford a hotel room to have an affair in, you can’t afford a divorce. So before you enter into the greatest financial challenge of your life, one you can’t afford to get out of… think it through.

Do you love them? Is this your end all be all? Can you close your eyes and imagine your life with them? Yes, that’s right, with them. Without is easy, because you’ve been there… but can you imagine living with them, day in and day out? Waking up to them when they aren’t sparkly and perfect.. but, hey are you either? So imagine waking up, after a late night of too much vodka and seeing their face… can you honestly say, “I do”?

I can.

Now, putting aside the drama, stress and pressure of what it means to be married… you should really just focus on two things.

Making your mother and your future mother in law happy.

XOXO The Bride

You can't sit with us!

RSVP’ing to a wedding is more than just following society’s dictation of etiquette. It’s a way of telling your friend, subtly that you would like to drink all the free booze they provide… because you just spent all your money on a ticket and hotel to meet your friend’s future spouse (who you have probably never met) and then have to pretend to find something in common with until you’re drunk enough not to care.

Love sounds so amazing when you put it this way.

On the other hand, when you don’t RSVP to a wedding … your message could be unclear. Do you not support the union? Do you just have “a feeling” the food is going to suck, and probably be all vegan? Is it too expensive to travel there? Perhaps your life is busy with kids and work and you simply forgot to do it … do you also forget to feed your children, or take them to school? Odds are this friendship was around way before you decided to have those tiny sacks of human flesh and using them as a continued excuse for your inability to show up for your friend… you think your kids are going to hold your hair back next time you get drunk on Tequila Tuesday? Fuck you Laurel.

Friendship over.

It’s one thing to not attend a wedding, that happens. They’re insanely expensive, people get sick, life happens and that is entirely understandable. What I’m talking about is that limbo-esc purgatory while we wait to send the final order to catering and now we’re ordering off the a la carte menu paying even more of a markup … so you know what? You don’t get a fork. Forks are fucking expensive.

If you’re going to act like a beast, I expect you to eat like one.

XOXO The Bride

Plus None

I always thought it was tacky not allowing a plus one for your wedding guests... and then I fell in love, wanted my own wedding and realized money is the root of all evil.

When you tick that plus one box, I don't see the charming person that enjoys romcoms and banana sundaes - no, I see a booze soaked stranger about to go their millennial version of wedding crashers on the most expensive (and important) day of my life to date.

So when I ask you not to bring your summer fling, I'm not judging you for your poor taste in romantic partners - I'm just saying I don't want to pay for your mistakes. Consider this my gift to you, I'm preventing you the anguish and embarrassment of having to ask me to MS paint your date out of my wedding photos for all of eternity.

...and I should know, because I did this to every one of my friends that allowed a plus one.

XOXO The Bride

Shhh... it's the wine talking

Wedding speeches are a tired and tried tradition. I'd rank them alongside wearing virginal white, stealing something blue and that grotesque display of removing a thong-esc lingerie item with your teeth from your future spouse... in front of your whole family.

Asking to give a speech at a wedding is like ordering salmon on a plane, absolutely disgusting. So shall we not?

There is the brief occurrence, when someone you love and cherish has the eloquence and the wherewithal to speak works of genuine beauty... but who are we kidding, it's an open bar. That's one in a million.

I don't need your well wishes, don't give me advice when you've multiple failed marriages beneath your belt. Instead tell me of what you would have done differently, how you would have loved harder, how you would have changed your tone during petty arguments and how listening is the key to a healthy relationship.

So instead of all that, sign our guestbook... and raise a glass, to those could not be here, to those we'll always love, and those... we unfortunately, felt obligated to invite.

XOXO The Bride

NO YOU CAN'T REQUEST A SONG - THIS ISN'T YOUR WEDDING

If you aren't familiar with the term Bridezilla, don't waste your time watching reruns on Lifetime. Google Diane White, who coined the term back in 1995.

Well Diane, maybe you never spent hours laboriously searching for all of your favorite songs that you feel represent your relationship... probably because no one LOVES YOU DIANE.

... So anyway, with the help of our amazing DJ Brad McCray we have carefully cultivated a playlist that is sure to annoy and bring joy to our guests. So please, do not bother him with requests. Wait until the wedding is over, you're happily drunk in an lyft home and blasting spotify if your own ear holes.

XOXO The Bride

The Officially Not Happening Bachelorette Party

This has been a constant subject of interest and I truly appreciate that your hearts are in the right place!

That being said, I do not want a bachelorette party of any kind. I hate surprises, unless they're from my Mom and I can promise you she also finds phallic shaped straws disgusting.

Instead, please focus on enjoying yourself and resting up before the wedding which I promise you will have more than enough booze and fun to make up for it! Thank you so much for respecting my wishes and see you are the wedding.

XOXO The Bride

[this is a limited series of shared posts from my wedding website, in which you can watch my descent into madness throughout this process we call love]

#WATIZLOVE

Magic Mike was not a comedy

"The Kid" might as well have thrown Mike out of the car ala Pretty Woman (the original ending). That might have been less painful to watch honestly. WHY DID YOU DO IT, KID?

Now I clearly haven't seen Magic Mike XXL, but why bother? I imagine it's what would have happened after they didn't live happily ever after, and Vivian became a high-end Hollywood escort.

There's a lot of unhappily ever after in life. I see it with my friends a lot, especially lately. I think it comes with getting closer to thirty. 

Love hurts. It aches, it hurts to breathe. You feel like the pain will never stop and no one can help you...

Heartbreak feels like alcohol poisoning

It's extremely easy to give advice when you're happy. Not because you haven't felt pain, or because you want to discredit or diminish the person experiencing it. Our human minds are meant to forget pain; like actually. It's a survival mechanism (thanks, psych 101). 

A few years ago I had necrotising fasciitis (aka: flesh-eating disease). To this day I know it was the single most painful thing that I have ever experienced. I literally felt my body eating itself alive. I told the doctor's to let me die and I meant it.

Since then I've broken my foot, my nose, gotten multiple tattoos and had my heart destroyed (emotionally). When someone asks me, "Did that [experience] hurt?" I respond with something blase, "I had flesh-eating, this can't compare,"

Which honestly is kinda at least partly true. It was the worst pain of my life. Then again, when I got my shoulder tattoo - that felt like the worst pain I've ever felt. Breaking my foot, that was excruciating.

The point is, pain is individual and situational. It isn't a game and it shouldn't be considered as a challenge. 

Pain is felt in many ways, inflicted by many forms. Just because someone has experienced a situation that you deem to be "less painful", doesn't mean what they are feeling isn't justifiable to them.

All pain is real

I struggle with empathy for relational pain. It's fairly easy for me to brush off rejections and getting stood up. I have an entire life of [theatre] rejections to console me. I wept harder when I wasn't cast for certain roles than I have for the majority of my past relationships to date.

For the year or two that I had the blog, How To Lose a Guy in One Date - I was stood up constantly. Or had my date make up an excuse to leave almost immediately. Or maybe they just told me straight to my face they didn't think I was pretty, or interesting. Getting stood up has often felt like a blessing since then. This person realized before even meeting me that we're not the right fit! No one wasted their time and now I have a night to myself.

...but this isn't how the majority of people feel, and when I speak to this - it can hurt those I care about. 

It isn't because I'm a sociopathic monster (right?), it's because pain is individualized and managed by the person feeling it. Like those pain scales at the doctor - which are stupid by the way for physical pain. I think they're the perfect representation for emotional tragedy.

What is painful to others, may not even feel bad to me. Then again, my day could be ruined because someone at the grocery store thinks I'm rude for not hearing them say "pardon me," as I stand in the [organic] vegetable isle talking to my Mom about how much I love Scandal. This has actually happened. 

Also - it's "excuse me" before, "pardon me" after.

THAT'S WHY I IGNORED YOU. Your grammar is atrocious.

(Confession: In my capslock rage I spelled grammar wrong. We all make mistakes...)

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

You know - just like Blink 182 said, and they're the voice of my generation. They're my "how white my shirts should be".

Society is going downhill based on this statement and comparison of lyrical prose alone... because no, I did not mean Britney Spears.

I don't really have a way to end this. I think because there isn't a [good] way. This isn't a "kiss it and make it better," situation.

This is real life.

... and sometimes, it fucking sucks.

 

 

 

#SingleBecause

Often misunderstood as a cry for pity or (pity) dates, it's actually the farthest thing from it. It embraces humor, independence, and general well-being as an individual. It's a lifestyle choice.

#Singlebecause pokes fun at the eccentricities of yourself that others might find odd or just downright disgusting (Trash pizza). It's about being honest with yourself, and others about who you are. I'm not saying that if you're a shitty person, you should continue to be. I'm saying that you are your own, slightly original person that deserves to be treated with respect.

One of the most repeated statements I hear from single people is, "I need someone to do [fill in the blank] with," Now in some cases, there are activities where another person is required. I immediately think of tug of war. I mean, unless you have a dog...

Focus.

#Singlebecause is about doing all those things people feel they need someone to do them with, by yourself. See a movie, or go out to dinner, or go bird watching. These are amazingly great activities with or without someone. The concept that you need another person to enjoy life, though... think of everything you're missing!

Example: Many of my friends don't love my favorite restaurant, but I'm not going to let that stop me from going. I'm going to get dressed up and go eat some food, because I'm an adult. [Confession: When I first started going out alone I was worried what people would think, so I got dressed up. I'd even make up a story of why I was alone, in case anyone asked (no one ever did). Now, I've worked my way up to watching romantic movies alone in the theater and blowing my nose into my sweatshirt!]

Ok - now what can you take from this? Well if you got this far, know that you're probably a pretty decent person, or at least have a good sense of humor (and are literate). You're a person that other people are going to like, and if they don't? They're missing out.

Suggested Reads:

Aziz Anzari's Modern Romance

Philip Zimbardo's Shyness and The Time Paradox