Don't you wish your girlfriend... wasn't trying to pressure you into marriage?

Marriage is either something you rush into and get annulled on a Monday after a drunken weekend (sorry Dad), or you’re in it to win it… if winning actually means losing your personal identity, giving up your dreams, and isolating yourself in the suburbs due to the ever rising cost of the housing market.

Then again, marriage doesn’t have to be about that. You don’t have to get married just because someone asks, and you don’t have to ask just because someone wants you to. You do know that right?

Despite being 2019, society and the wedding industry still pushes for young marriages. Whether that stems from the archaic notion that young people are more fertile, or more realistically that young people are stupid and willing to spend more (of their parent’s) money on this concept of love. I think it’s the latter, personally… but it’s bullshit.

BULLSHIT

If you aren’t royalty and bound by pomp and circumstance, you should be marrying for love… when you feel good and ready. This isn’t fast fashion, and yes - high waisted acid washed mom jeans did come back, but that hot guy from freshman year probably won’t age as well as denim. Just saying… and sorry, not sorry Devin.

Marriage is a giant step, emotionally, physically and monetarily. Think of it this way, if you can’t afford a hotel room to have an affair in, you can’t afford a divorce. So before you enter into the greatest financial challenge of your life, one you can’t afford to get out of… think it through.

Do you love them? Is this your end all be all? Can you close your eyes and imagine your life with them? Yes, that’s right, with them. Without is easy, because you’ve been there… but can you imagine living with them, day in and day out? Waking up to them when they aren’t sparkly and perfect.. but, hey are you either? So imagine waking up, after a late night of too much vodka and seeing their face… can you honestly say, “I do”?

I can.

Now, putting aside the drama, stress and pressure of what it means to be married… you should really just focus on two things.

Making your mother and your future mother in law happy.

XOXO The Bride

Plus None

I always thought it was tacky not allowing a plus one for your wedding guests... and then I fell in love, wanted my own wedding and realized money is the root of all evil.

When you tick that plus one box, I don't see the charming person that enjoys romcoms and banana sundaes - no, I see a booze soaked stranger about to go their millennial version of wedding crashers on the most expensive (and important) day of my life to date.

So when I ask you not to bring your summer fling, I'm not judging you for your poor taste in romantic partners - I'm just saying I don't want to pay for your mistakes. Consider this my gift to you, I'm preventing you the anguish and embarrassment of having to ask me to MS paint your date out of my wedding photos for all of eternity.

...and I should know, because I did this to every one of my friends that allowed a plus one.

XOXO The Bride

Shhh... it's the wine talking

Wedding speeches are a tired and tried tradition. I'd rank them alongside wearing virginal white, stealing something blue and that grotesque display of removing a thong-esc lingerie item with your teeth from your future spouse... in front of your whole family.

Asking to give a speech at a wedding is like ordering salmon on a plane, absolutely disgusting. So shall we not?

There is the brief occurrence, when someone you love and cherish has the eloquence and the wherewithal to speak works of genuine beauty... but who are we kidding, it's an open bar. That's one in a million.

I don't need your well wishes, don't give me advice when you've multiple failed marriages beneath your belt. Instead tell me of what you would have done differently, how you would have loved harder, how you would have changed your tone during petty arguments and how listening is the key to a healthy relationship.

So instead of all that, sign our guestbook... and raise a glass, to those could not be here, to those we'll always love, and those... we unfortunately, felt obligated to invite.

XOXO The Bride

NO YOU CAN'T REQUEST A SONG - THIS ISN'T YOUR WEDDING

If you aren't familiar with the term Bridezilla, don't waste your time watching reruns on Lifetime. Google Diane White, who coined the term back in 1995.

Well Diane, maybe you never spent hours laboriously searching for all of your favorite songs that you feel represent your relationship... probably because no one LOVES YOU DIANE.

... So anyway, with the help of our amazing DJ Brad McCray we have carefully cultivated a playlist that is sure to annoy and bring joy to our guests. So please, do not bother him with requests. Wait until the wedding is over, you're happily drunk in an lyft home and blasting spotify if your own ear holes.

XOXO The Bride

The Officially Not Happening Bachelorette Party

This has been a constant subject of interest and I truly appreciate that your hearts are in the right place!

That being said, I do not want a bachelorette party of any kind. I hate surprises, unless they're from my Mom and I can promise you she also finds phallic shaped straws disgusting.

Instead, please focus on enjoying yourself and resting up before the wedding which I promise you will have more than enough booze and fun to make up for it! Thank you so much for respecting my wishes and see you are the wedding.

XOXO The Bride

[this is a limited series of shared posts from my wedding website, in which you can watch my descent into madness throughout this process we call love]