It's not me, it's you.
I need a break.
[See you in 2019]
This weekend I...
- will write something longer than a tweet, but shorter than a novel
- get more sleep
- wash my face and put on moisturizer
- not eat fast food (defined by: McDonald's, not late night happy hour bar food)
- win the wing eating contest (or die trying) @ The Cheerful Tortoise 4th Annual Wing Eating Contest
This started as a list of goals and then just became a form of self promotion
It's 7 a.m.
My computer is covered in dry Shampoo and I'm blasting Taylor Swift
Day 3 of paid time off is not going well
No one is awake and it seems unreasonable to drink chocolate milk at this hour
I cannot handle vacation
I get it AirBnb, you need a legit photo of me to make sure it's me... but 5 a.m., after Thanksgiving. I'm not even drunk, this is just painful. I slept my makeup off in a hazy turkey induced coma of sweat. I'm literally oozing gravy and cheese. LITERALLY
Sure, I shouldn't have waited until now to book a room in Eugene... during the Duck/Beav game, but if I was organized would I be a fucking comedian? STOP HOUNDING ME.
Seriously though, Tinder/Bumble/OKC up your game. Require a photo at this hour and true love does exist. No if/and/or/buts ... that's not how slashes work in grammar. They also aren't slashes.
Should I have told the hosts we're comics? That was a bad idea huh?
... ugh, why am I awake, sober, and hungry right now?
Molly Smithson & I after winning the 9.15.17 THIS MEANS WAR: ROAST BATTLE at Funhouse Lounge. We're rocking our Dylan Jones and Jake Breslauer shirts.
On this day I made a promise to myself (aka: a calendar update, because I'm a 2017 millennial, baby) that I would try stand up within one year.
...because you too can get drunk and eat pizza for breakfast
The pursuit of comedy is not like the pursuit of happiness.
Imagine the exact opposite.
Ok. So imagine what you perceive to be happy. Like what you see in the movies. That bullshit, right?
Suffocate that, slowly... and not in an (hot) autoerotique asphyxiation sort of way. Like, Wal*Mart belt that comes attached to your $12.95 sun dress. It's a failure waiting to happen.
Literally imagine everything that you care about falling apart, because you're self-sabotaging yourself. Just shit on everything, whether metaphorically or literally. Actually, literally. That's basically the equivalent.
Actually though, I'm not doing that. I kinda got my shit together lately, got a grown up job and moved in with a great guy.
So... um... I have nothing to write about
I always feel that I need to be properly attired in one of two ways for such an occasion: fancy or garbage.
This probably stems from the years of theatre, and my obsession of costuming. Then again, I think it speaks to my commitment of method acting now playing the greatest role of my life... aspiring poor comedian.
I should do this more.
The blog thing.
...but [well] vodka and comedy are winning
I quit my white-collar office job (with healthcare) to work at my college bar and pursue comedy.
I am officially a failed lifetime movie.
That's the 8th definition. No romantic notion needed...
Does that mean I've been assuming people meant romantically when they asked me on a date? Now I feel like an ass.
My Mom is the best date. She doesn't drink, but doesn't mind if I do. We can split the bill, or sometimes she just treats me and never expects anything but a hug and conversation. She picks up me, and sometimes she gives me money.
I am an escort to my Mom.
So glad we're seeing Ali Wong tonight.
God, she really does get me.
Magic Mike was not a comedy
"The Kid" might as well have thrown Mike out of the car ala Pretty Woman (the original ending). That might have been less painful to watch honestly. WHY DID YOU DO IT, KID?
Now I clearly haven't seen Magic Mike XXL, but why bother? I imagine it's what would have happened after they didn't live happily ever after, and Vivian became a high-end Hollywood escort.
There's a lot of unhappily ever after in life. I see it with my friends a lot, especially lately. I think it comes with getting closer to thirty.
Love hurts. It aches, it hurts to breathe. You feel like the pain will never stop and no one can help you...
Heartbreak feels like alcohol poisoning
It's extremely easy to give advice when you're happy. Not because you haven't felt pain, or because you want to discredit or diminish the person experiencing it. Our human minds are meant to forget pain; like actually. It's a survival mechanism (thanks, psych 101).
A few years ago I had necrotising fasciitis (aka: flesh-eating disease). To this day I know it was the single most painful thing that I have ever experienced. I literally felt my body eating itself alive. I told the doctor's to let me die and I meant it.
Since then I've broken my foot, my nose, gotten multiple tattoos and had my heart destroyed (emotionally). When someone asks me, "Did that [experience] hurt?" I respond with something blase, "I had flesh-eating, this can't compare,"
Which honestly is kinda at least partly true. It was the worst pain of my life. Then again, when I got my shoulder tattoo - that felt like the worst pain I've ever felt. Breaking my foot, that was excruciating.
The point is, pain is individual and situational. It isn't a game and it shouldn't be considered as a challenge.
Pain is felt in many ways, inflicted by many forms. Just because someone has experienced a situation that you deem to be "less painful", doesn't mean what they are feeling isn't justifiable to them.
All pain is real
I struggle with empathy for relational pain. It's fairly easy for me to brush off rejections and getting stood up. I have an entire life of [theatre] rejections to console me. I wept harder when I wasn't cast for certain roles than I have for the majority of my past relationships to date.
For the year or two that I had the blog, How To Lose a Guy in One Date - I was stood up constantly. Or had my date make up an excuse to leave almost immediately. Or maybe they just told me straight to my face they didn't think I was pretty, or interesting. Getting stood up has often felt like a blessing since then. This person realized before even meeting me that we're not the right fit! No one wasted their time and now I have a night to myself.
...but this isn't how the majority of people feel, and when I speak to this - it can hurt those I care about.
It isn't because I'm a sociopathic monster (right?), it's because pain is individualized and managed by the person feeling it. Like those pain scales at the doctor - which are stupid by the way for physical pain. I think they're the perfect representation for emotional tragedy.
What is painful to others, may not even feel bad to me. Then again, my day could be ruined because someone at the grocery store thinks I'm rude for not hearing them say "pardon me," as I stand in the [organic] vegetable isle talking to my Mom about how much I love Scandal. This has actually happened.
Also - it's "excuse me" before, "pardon me" after.
THAT'S WHY I IGNORED YOU. Your grammar is atrocious.
(Confession: In my capslock rage I spelled grammar wrong. We all make mistakes...)
Growing Up Is Hard To Do
You know - just like Blink 182 said, and they're the voice of my generation. They're my "how white my shirts should be".
Society is going downhill based on this statement and comparison of lyrical prose alone... because no, I did not mean Britney Spears.
I don't really have a way to end this. I think because there isn't a [good] way. This isn't a "kiss it and make it better," situation.
This is real life.
... and sometimes, it fucking sucks.
I thought this [writing] project was going to be fun.
I find myself constantly behind, especially since I’m working on a presentation piece for work, in addition to trying to perfect the set for next Monday’s show. As if that’s possible?
That’s just part of life – doing things we don’t want to, though. It’s not even a part of growing up because even as children we’re forced to do things we don’t want to.
“…because it’s good for you,” That might be the second most infuriating phrase followed by, “because I said so,”
Because is a shit word. Of course, it’s Middle English and Old French. Thanks, Google.
For one month, I will each day ask a different person (whether friend or stranger) to give me a topic/question/thought and then I’ll write about it.
Edits will be minimal as this is an exercise in discovery and free thought.
It’s very simplistic, but I hope it’ll inspire me to really examine the world by experiencing another’s words.
The goal is to experience written improv.
[I’ll turn the comments on for this post exclusively if you feel so inclined to contribute.]
Often misunderstood as a cry for pity or (pity) dates, it's actually the farthest thing from it. It embraces humor, independence, and general well-being as an individual. It's a lifestyle choice.
#Singlebecause pokes fun at the eccentricities of yourself that others might find odd or just downright disgusting (Trash pizza). It's about being honest with yourself, and others about who you are. I'm not saying that if you're a shitty person, you should continue to be. I'm saying that you are your own, slightly original person that deserves to be treated with respect.
One of the most repeated statements I hear from single people is, "I need someone to do [fill in the blank] with," Now in some cases, there are activities where another person is required. I immediately think of tug of war. I mean, unless you have a dog...
#Singlebecause is about doing all those things people feel they need someone to do them with, by yourself. See a movie, or go out to dinner, or go bird watching. These are amazingly great activities with or without someone. The concept that you need another person to enjoy life, though... think of everything you're missing!
Example: Many of my friends don't love my favorite restaurant, but I'm not going to let that stop me from going. I'm going to get dressed up and go eat some food, because I'm an adult. [Confession: When I first started going out alone I was worried what people would think, so I got dressed up. I'd even make up a story of why I was alone, in case anyone asked (no one ever did). Now, I've worked my way up to watching romantic movies alone in the theater and blowing my nose into my sweatshirt!]
Ok - now what can you take from this? Well if you got this far, know that you're probably a pretty decent person, or at least have a good sense of humor (and are literate). You're a person that other people are going to like, and if they don't? They're missing out.
Aziz Anzari's Modern Romance
Philip Zimbardo's Shyness and The Time Paradox
I don't feel like writing today.
...but I promised myself I would write every day.
So I am.
...I'll get back to you on that one.
It's Friday night people. My legs are shaved because I took a shower and I put on grown up clothes today.
What am I doing at home watching Frasier with Ke$ha kitty?
There's well vodka and pizza waiting for me out there...