...so you didn't get invited

So what?

The only time you should feel truly slighted over the lack of a wedding invite is if it's your own damn wedding.

Think of weddings like Myspace. If you didn't make the top six and you care, you better be under the age of 17 or I honestly don't feel bad.

Creating a wedding invite list is timely, costly, and awkward. Do I invite her, she hates him... and what about them? Remember that one time? We haven't seen each other in years, are we even friends?

It's oddly ironic how weddings become less about the people getting married and more about appeasing the guests. What will other people want? What will they enjoy eating and drinking? What is their favorite music?

What about me?! You know me, over here... the person getting married?! Being all selfish and spending a small fortune to prove to you I love the person I already spend my life with.

I'm over here....does anyone care?

XOXO The Bride

Glitch in the Romance

It’s two in the morning and I’m coming home after what I can only self describe as a comedy bomb… surprisingly sober.

After washing my face, immediately hanging my bra on the bathroom door to air it out (like jeans, you can’t wash them too often), Jake wakes up to tell me it’s ok to watch t.v. while he sleeps. I tell him I’m hungry and want to eat a sandwich, he says that’s ok too. As if the sound of my dipping my peanut butter sandwich in milk and eating a half bag of Lay’s potato chips won’t even phase him.

I tell him I don’t want to bother him, and he mumbles something about loving me.

It’s after 2 a.m. on a Sunday night, and while half asleep this human being still has the wherewithal to tell me he loves me?

How does a love like this exist? It’s not something portrayed in movies… the day to day. Hollywood pretends to, in cliche and cute ways… but the day in and out, the real sense of what love and a relationship is - can’t translate to screen.

Love isn’t romantic. It’s the opposite. It’s telling your partner their feet smell after a long day… and it’s leaving them a .99 cent card for no reason that reminds them how much you love them, because maybe you haven’t felt connected for awhile.

I sometimes miss the concept of single life, the implied freedom and independence… and then I realize, that’s exactly what I still have. Except I get to come home, snore like an alcoholic uncle covered in chip crumbs and wake up beside someone that loves me.

XOXO The Bride

10 Things I love about hating you

Do you ever find yourself making concessions for your friends that you might not for your partner?

Example: I went on a hike (which I hate doing) with some friend’s for one of their birthdays, but I’d never do that with Jake.

Does that mean I love him less? Hardly, it just means I value our time spent together on another level.

Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you need to share every single thing in common… if you do, that’s probably unhealthy.

Of course, you need a certain level of commonality to even form a meaningful relationship… but how much do you really need?

We both enjoy happy hour, watching t.v. at home in sweatpants, doing standup, and we can probably agree - potato chips are a food group. I can honestly say, I feel it’s a pretty solid relationship. Do I love watching sci fi or going to the theater with him to watch Disney movies? No. Does he like day drinking and debating criminal procedure and current world politics? Doubtful.

When you decide to share your life, or even part of your time on earth with someone, it isn’t about being the same person. It’s about loving and respecting your differences and watching that person light up when they talk about something they’re passionate about.

Jake could be talking about something I find entirely uninteresting and yet, when I see how excited he is… I get excited. Wait, what about a Tardis? You love the Seahawks because of … enter generic sports lingo (if you aren’t #TeamTebow, fuck off), or how you know exactly how to salt meat (#saltbae)

Sometimes we do things we wouldn’t do for our significant others… and that’s ok.

Every relationship is individualized and specific to the person.

XOXO The Bride

Don't you wish your girlfriend... wasn't trying to pressure you into marriage?

Marriage is either something you rush into and get annulled on a Monday after a drunken weekend (sorry Dad), or you’re in it to win it… if winning actually means losing your personal identity, giving up your dreams, and isolating yourself in the suburbs due to the ever rising cost of the housing market.

Then again, marriage doesn’t have to be about that. You don’t have to get married just because someone asks, and you don’t have to ask just because someone wants you to. You do know that right?

Despite being 2019, society and the wedding industry still pushes for young marriages. Whether that stems from the archaic notion that young people are more fertile, or more realistically that young people are stupid and willing to spend more (of their parent’s) money on this concept of love. I think it’s the latter, personally… but it’s bullshit.

BULLSHIT

If you aren’t royalty and bound by pomp and circumstance, you should be marrying for love… when you feel good and ready. This isn’t fast fashion, and yes - high waisted acid washed mom jeans did come back, but that hot guy from freshman year probably won’t age as well as denim. Just saying… and sorry, not sorry Devin.

Marriage is a giant step, emotionally, physically and monetarily. Think of it this way, if you can’t afford a hotel room to have an affair in, you can’t afford a divorce. So before you enter into the greatest financial challenge of your life, one you can’t afford to get out of… think it through.

Do you love them? Is this your end all be all? Can you close your eyes and imagine your life with them? Yes, that’s right, with them. Without is easy, because you’ve been there… but can you imagine living with them, day in and day out? Waking up to them when they aren’t sparkly and perfect.. but, hey are you either? So imagine waking up, after a late night of too much vodka and seeing their face… can you honestly say, “I do”?

I can.

Now, putting aside the drama, stress and pressure of what it means to be married… you should really just focus on two things.

Making your mother and your future mother in law happy.

XOXO The Bride

You can't sit with us!

RSVP’ing to a wedding is more than just following society’s dictation of etiquette. It’s a way of telling your friend, subtly that you would like to drink all the free booze they provide… because you just spent all your money on a ticket and hotel to meet your friend’s future spouse (who you have probably never met) and then have to pretend to find something in common with until you’re drunk enough not to care.

Love sounds so amazing when you put it this way.

On the other hand, when you don’t RSVP to a wedding … your message could be unclear. Do you not support the union? Do you just have “a feeling” the food is going to suck, and probably be all vegan? Is it too expensive to travel there? Perhaps your life is busy with kids and work and you simply forgot to do it … do you also forget to feed your children, or take them to school? Odds are this friendship was around way before you decided to have those tiny sacks of human flesh and using them as a continued excuse for your inability to show up for your friend… you think your kids are going to hold your hair back next time you get drunk on Tequila Tuesday? Fuck you Laurel.

Friendship over.

It’s one thing to not attend a wedding, that happens. They’re insanely expensive, people get sick, life happens and that is entirely understandable. What I’m talking about is that limbo-esc purgatory while we wait to send the final order to catering and now we’re ordering off the a la carte menu paying even more of a markup … so you know what? You don’t get a fork. Forks are fucking expensive.

If you’re going to act like a beast, I expect you to eat like one.

XOXO The Bride

Plus None

I always thought it was tacky not allowing a plus one for your wedding guests... and then I fell in love, wanted my own wedding and realized money is the root of all evil.

When you tick that plus one box, I don't see the charming person that enjoys romcoms and banana sundaes - no, I see a booze soaked stranger about to go their millennial version of wedding crashers on the most expensive (and important) day of my life to date.

So when I ask you not to bring your summer fling, I'm not judging you for your poor taste in romantic partners - I'm just saying I don't want to pay for your mistakes. Consider this my gift to you, I'm preventing you the anguish and embarrassment of having to ask me to MS paint your date out of my wedding photos for all of eternity.

...and I should know, because I did this to every one of my friends that allowed a plus one.

XOXO The Bride

Shhh... it's the wine talking

Wedding speeches are a tired and tried tradition. I'd rank them alongside wearing virginal white, stealing something blue and that grotesque display of removing a thong-esc lingerie item with your teeth from your future spouse... in front of your whole family.

Asking to give a speech at a wedding is like ordering salmon on a plane, absolutely disgusting. So shall we not?

There is the brief occurrence, when someone you love and cherish has the eloquence and the wherewithal to speak works of genuine beauty... but who are we kidding, it's an open bar. That's one in a million.

I don't need your well wishes, don't give me advice when you've multiple failed marriages beneath your belt. Instead tell me of what you would have done differently, how you would have loved harder, how you would have changed your tone during petty arguments and how listening is the key to a healthy relationship.

So instead of all that, sign our guestbook... and raise a glass, to those could not be here, to those we'll always love, and those... we unfortunately, felt obligated to invite.

XOXO The Bride

NO YOU CAN'T REQUEST A SONG - THIS ISN'T YOUR WEDDING

If you aren't familiar with the term Bridezilla, don't waste your time watching reruns on Lifetime. Google Diane White, who coined the term back in 1995.

Well Diane, maybe you never spent hours laboriously searching for all of your favorite songs that you feel represent your relationship... probably because no one LOVES YOU DIANE.

... So anyway, with the help of our amazing DJ Brad McCray we have carefully cultivated a playlist that is sure to annoy and bring joy to our guests. So please, do not bother him with requests. Wait until the wedding is over, you're happily drunk in an lyft home and blasting spotify if your own ear holes.

XOXO The Bride

The Officially Not Happening Bachelorette Party

This has been a constant subject of interest and I truly appreciate that your hearts are in the right place!

That being said, I do not want a bachelorette party of any kind. I hate surprises, unless they're from my Mom and I can promise you she also finds phallic shaped straws disgusting.

Instead, please focus on enjoying yourself and resting up before the wedding which I promise you will have more than enough booze and fun to make up for it! Thank you so much for respecting my wishes and see you are the wedding.

XOXO The Bride

[this is a limited series of shared posts from my wedding website, in which you can watch my descent into madness throughout this process we call love]

#Goals

This weekend I...

  • will write something longer than a tweet, but shorter than a novel
  • get more sleep
  • wash my face and put on moisturizer
  • not eat fast food (defined by: McDonald's, not late night happy hour bar food)
  • win the wing eating contest (or die trying) @ The Cheerful Tortoise 4th Annual Wing Eating Contest

This started as a list of goals and then just became a form of self promotion

Shocking

 

#FUCKit's5am

I get it AirBnb, you need a legit photo of me to make sure it's me... but 5 a.m., after Thanksgiving. I'm not even drunk, this is just painful. I slept my makeup off in a hazy turkey induced coma of sweat. I'm literally oozing gravy and cheese. LITERALLY

Sure, I shouldn't have waited until now to book a room in Eugene... during the Duck/Beav game, but if I was organized would I be a fucking comedian? STOP HOUNDING ME.

Seriously though, Tinder/Bumble/OKC up your game. Require a photo at this hour and true love does exist. No if/and/or/buts ... that's not how slashes work in grammar. They also aren't slashes.

Should I have told the hosts we're comics? That was a bad idea huh?

... ugh, why am I awake, sober, and hungry right now?

#fuckmeright

The pursuit of comedy is not like the pursuit of happiness.

Imagine the exact opposite.

#depression

Ok. So imagine what you perceive to be happy. Like what you see in the movies. That bullshit, right?

Suffocate that, slowly... and not in an (hot) autoerotique asphyxiation sort of way. Like, Wal*Mart belt that comes attached to your $12.95 sun dress. It's a failure waiting to happen.

#ifthatswhatyoureinto

Literally imagine everything that you care about falling apart, because you're self-sabotaging yourself. Just shit on everything, whether metaphorically or literally. Actually, literally. That's basically the equivalent.

Got it?

Actually though, I'm not doing that. I kinda got my shit together lately, got a grown up job and moved in with a great guy.

So... um... I have nothing to write about

#happinessblows

#daydrinking

I always feel that I need to be properly attired in one of two ways for such an occasion: fancy or garbage.

This probably stems from the years of theatre, and my obsession of costuming. Then again, I think it speaks to my commitment of method acting now playing the greatest role of my life... aspiring poor comedian.